I found out I was pregnant on March 6th, 2020 with our second baby. It came as a surprise for my husband and I since our first baby was only 4 months old, we weren’t planning on having another one that soon. As nervous as we were to have two under two we were thrilled and excited for this baby to join our family.
We found out this baby was another boy and I was so happy our oldest son Isaac was going to have a brother. I immediately started planning and envisioning our lives with two boys. There was only going to be a year apart between them so I knew they would be the best of friends. I pictured them growing up together, sharing a room together, getting into trouble, both of them looking out for one another. We decided to name him Emmett Otto Veno.
My pregnancy was going by smoothly. There was nothing they were concerned of, and the only problem that came up was getting diagnosed with gestational diabetes, but it was nothing I was concerned over since I had it in my first pregnancy. I was always checking my sugars and had to send them in every week to a nurse and had a call with the endocrinologist every two weeks. Every doctors appointment my OB always commented on how strong his heartbeat was, but he was measuring a little bigger because of the insulin I was taking so we decided get induced at 38 weeks.
We picked October 27th as the day we would get induced. I had an OB appointment on October 22nd which was my son Isaac's first birthday so I made sure I made it for early morning so I could spend the rest of the day with him. As I was driving to the hospital for my appointment I had this gut feeling something was wrong. When I got there my OB couldn’t find the heartbeat so he sent me down to labour and delivery triage to get checked out, that’s when they did a scan and I heard those words no one wants to hear, I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat.
My world came crashing down as everything I had planned for us was gone. I remember looking at my baby on the screen praying I would see his heart start beating again. I was alone because of COVID so I had to call my husband to come down, that was the worst phone call I ever had to make. I remember the pain in my husbands voice when I told him that he’s gone.
Emmett died five days before our scheduled induction, if only we got him out sooner. I ended up giving birth to him on October 24th. That day was the best and worst day of my life, I got to meet my baby boy for the first time but I also had to say goodbye him. The silence that was met after I delivered him was defining. I will never forget the moment they placed his lifeless body on my chest I couldn’t get over how warm he was I kept thinking how could he be dead he’s so warm. He was perfect, he had my husbands nose and such chubby cheeks. Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I have every done and will ever do in my life.
Instead of leaving the hospital with my baby I left the hospital with a white box.
We buried him on October 30th.
All of the tests we had done came back fine so my OB thinks he pinched the cord. I feel that I failed him I couldn’t protect him. How could I not know he died inside of me.
It’s been over a year and the grief is still there. I hate when people tell me it gets easier grief doesn’t get easier it’s just different you learn to live with it.